Dear Writers
by IzzyandDesRoxSox
Summary: Because for Leviathan's sake, we are not a group of emo rockers. -Sincerely the Furious Characters of Hellraiser
1. Chapter 1

_**Note:**__ Yup! I'm doing these letters with HR as well! :D_

Dear Half-Sane Writers,

As much as I greatly appreciate your well written fantasy romance novels of me finally seeking the soul of Kirsty Cotton and her finally lusting to pursue me, I'm afraid to inform you I'm not quite at that step just yet. Unfortunately these fics have discouraged her away from the idea as well.

Sincerely,

Xipe Totec 


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Fanfiction,

Me and Pinhead? *flushes hot red* Pinsty? What does that even- *stops* ooooooooooh. I see what you did there. And now I sincerely hate you people.

Sincerely,

Kirsty Cotton

* * *

><p>Dear Writers,<p>

*secretice shifty eyes*

She's merely in denial.

Highly Encouraging Your Particular Sensual Stories,

Xipe Totec

* * *

><p>Dear Pinhead,<p>

Next time check twice with your letter addresses. You sent this letter to me. And now I'm using this as evidence to file a restraining order from you.

Kirsty Cotton

* * *

><p>Dear Fanfiction,<p>

Kirsty can bitch all she wants, Xipe's right. She's sooooooooooo in denial it's not even funny.

Sincerely,

The Gesh

* * *

><p>Dear Xipe,<p>

Learn to freaking spell our damn group name if we're supposedly your best friends. -_-"

Sincerely,

The GASH with an A!

* * *

><p>Dear Pinhead,<p>

Nice impersonation letter there.

"Krissy Coddon" ;)


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Pinhead,

Since I see there's no way of verbally getting through your head that I will NEVER hook up with you, I'm trying another theory. Perhaps a musical number should help?

I believe you need to listen the following song that is my response to your desire for me. It's called "Obsession" by Mariah Carey.

Boy Why You so Obsessed With Me?,

Kirsty Cotton

* * *

><p>Dear Kirsty,<p>

I heard that there is a response song following in to Miss Carey's song from the one directed to that son. A man by the strange name of M and M or that is how it appears to sound. (Mortals these days and their celebrity names. -_-")

Erm...I'm Warning You That You Love Me?,

Xipe Totec

* * *

><p>Dear Asshole,<p>

The Warning *grins sweetly but then changes violently* IS A FUCKING INSULT SONG! DID YOU EVEN BOTHER LISTENING TO IT BEFORE SENDING OVER THE RECORDING? ! IF YOU REALLY MEAN ALLL THAT THEN I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW REALLY SICK YOU ARE! IF I COULD SLAP YOU, I WOULD RIGHT NOW! ! ! ! |:(

Furiously Enraged,

Kirsty Cotton


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Fanfiction,

Um, I have no idea what 'Hellraiser' is, and I never once set eyes on this so called box that Frank got his hands on either. I was not in the slightest informed of Julia's affair with my seedy brother...and oh my! Julia became a murderer! For Frank? How could this be? ! Right under my nose as well! How stupid and oblivious am I? ? ! Oh my Julie-wuley-Poo! Why! ? *blubbers into tears* And...wait! In the fanfictions, Kirsty is often romantically linked to...the pin faced guy who comes out of this...box that my brother bought! ? She made deals with him, ended up in a mental hospital, got chased by a tumour headed bastard, had a lesbian fling with some blonde mute, then later on went on to marry the biggest sleazebag of them all before becoming a murderer herself? ! Am I the only normal one in this so called movie series! ? And...wait! I only last one movie? ! ? :0 Don't I ever get any mentions in this fictions? Gah! You people are mean!

Utterly Confused,

Larry Cotton

_**Note: Much thanks and credit to Laura, who came up with this one and some others too. ;)**_


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Sickening Pathetic Writers,

How dare you potray me as a weak-willed power hungry whore always up to no good? Your brains are full of sheer filth than these supposed plotting ideas I have in mind to overthrow Xipe Totec! At least I would play fair! And normally though I don't care for pro-feminism in all honesty, you have me stereotypically as an unfair low-insulting female! That Cotton girl can have him for all I ever give a care for! If I wanted so much more power than Xipe, why not consider an idea for me to smoother upon our god Leviathan instead? Hm...seems your brains are too dim witted to have come up with a plotline like that! You were probably too preoccupied staring at my luxurious appearance to think twice on my brains! I can't help that I'm the most desirable woman in the Labyrinth! Hmph!

Disgusted by the Human Race,

Angelique

* * *

><p>Dear Fanfiction,<p>

We apologize for Princess Angelique's rant. She was clearly being a sarcastic joke, as this is how she sees humor. In reality she adores these stories written by you and wishes for you to continue these stories. Trust us, you hit her character dead-on. ;)

"Representing" Speakers for the Royal Pain in the Ass,

The Other Women of the Labyrinth :D


	6. Chapter 6

Dear Writers,

For Leviathan's sake did I not just inform you the relationship between myself and Kirsty has yet to occur? What makes you think we're producing unexpected offspring by now? Ugh. If I succeed in stealing her heart, your stories might encourage her own desire for a child. And Er- let's just say I'm not necessarily prepared for such responsibility. Or the horrors known from a woman's pregnancy that males end up suffering along as well.

*shudder* Sincerely,

Xipe Totec 


	7. Chapter 7

Deer Fan Ficshun,

We r NOT stoopid u know! We r just az impoor tent as duh rest of the carrot-erhs.

Frum,

Deh Angree Cast of Hellraysir 9

* * *

><p>Dear Unincluded Fools of our Saga,<p>

Oh yes indeed you're morons. Trust us.

Sincerely,

EVERYBODY


	8. Chapter 8

Dear Fanfiction,

Y U NO REMEMBER ME? :'(

Heartbroken,

Kyle 


	9. Chapter 9

Dear Fanfiction,

WE WERE VICTIMS YA KNOW! Way to be sympathetic by like NOT including us in all your "canon" based one-shots! Always those damn stuck up number ones of Leviathan gotta steal the spotlight! Well screw you!

Totally Ignored,

The Pseudos 


	10. Chapter 10

Dear shallow people who write Fanfiction,

You people are mean! Why do you always assume that because I'm fat I must be stupid and dumb? That's how I come across in your stories. It's so not fair! And I don't deserve to be made the figure of fun either. And I am not a Twi-Hard! And I don't befriend teenage girls like some pedo bear! |:( And why oh why does Pinhead get all the women! ? That's unfair! :( And for the record, I am not some uncontrollable eating machine! I'll have you know that I am on a strict diet, and...OOOH! COOKIES! *runs off* What? ! I didn't have breakfast!

Forever abused,

Butterball. 


	11. Chapter 11

Dear deluded Fan Writers,

IT IS NOT A TUMOR! ! ! ! And neither am I Xipe Totec's/Elliot Spencer's sister's perverted stalker! (Even if she is extremely hot) |:( And the Gash deserved to die. :P

Forever pissed off,

Channard. 


	12. Chapter 12

Dearest Fan Writers,

I say, I most certainly enjoy your literary works on our lives. I am not all entirely certain as to why my colleagues, not at least my demon half, are complaining and making a fuss about them. I find them very fascinating. Not at least the fictions about my Cenobite friend and the lovely Kirsty. Wink wink. And me and Joanne Summerskill? Oh, well this old Captain is blushing. She is very beautiful. You flatter me very much so. Please do keep up the good work, people. I am very impressed.

Greatly appreciating your work,

Captain Elliot Spencer :)

* * *

><p><em>(Yeah, you all woulda thought until Elliot here finds out just who's coming to dinner as Evelyn Spencer's boyfriend...)<em>

* * *

><p>Dear Channard,<p>

How very dare you! You vile, ghastly piece of filth! It is bad enough you thought you could take over the Gash, and dare to exterminate us, but now you dare to woo and court my little sister! This is outrageous! She is only 16, and you dare to take her innocence from her! I should take your head for this! Just you wait till I get my hands on you. No more Mr Nice Captain!

Fuming,

Elliot Spencer (disgruntled big brother)

* * *

><p>Dear Elly-Poo,<p>

For God's sake (or whatever the name may be of that gargantous diamond creature you work for currently) I am not sixteen years old anymore! That might've been in your account the last time you had seen me before you pursued that little box of yours, but I am a grown woman now! I am independent and smart enough to make my decisions, and this one has been settled. I sincerely am madly in love for *sighs dreamily* Phillip. :3

Not A Child Anymore,

Evelyn Spencer

* * *

><p>Dear Evelyn,<p>

You are dead to us.

Sincerely,

The Gash

* * *

><p>Dear Channard,<p>

SEE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE? ! YOU HAVE NOW MADE ME BELOVED SISTER, EVY-POO, AN OUTCAST ENTIRELY BY MY OWN FRIENDS! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF FOR THE LEAST OF MANY THINGS!

Even More Enraged,

Elliot Spencer

* * *

><p>Dear Elliot,<p>

It's not my fault! She is the one who has gone puppy eyes for me!

Swearing on my Innocence to this Situation,

Channard

* * *

><p>Dear Phillip,<p>

You- you don't love me anymore? *starts to cry all over the letter*

Heart Broken,

Formerly Your Sweetest Eve-Pie :'(

* * *

><p>Dear Channard,<p>

**I am going to break your heart. Literally. |:(**

Searching You Down,

Elliot Spencer


	13. Chapter 13

Dear Captain Spencer,

What are your intentions toward my only daughter...Sir...?

Suspicious,

Captain Thomas Summerskill

(and no, I'm not Pinhead!) 


	14. Chapter 14

Dear Fanfiction,

I'll have you know I am ten times better the leader than any of yours in your current time or past! Do you see me destroying the value of your wealth systems or causing violent wars against one another? No! So stop impeaching me in your stories! Xipe might be a good leader but he's ruin the balance of the Labyrinth within seconds for the ideas he has in mind!

Sincerely |:(,

Leviathan The God of Flesh, and...some other stuff 


	15. Chapter 15

Dear Fanfiction,

I swear it ain't mine. Now back the hell off!

Furious,

JP Monroe

* * *

><p>Dear Fanfiction AND JP,<p>

Oh hell yes it is. Shoulda thought twice during that one if many "nights of passion" when we were back on as a couple. :P

Stating the Truth,

Terri


	16. Chapter 16

Dear Lunatic Writers,

Who the fuck is Shana Harley?

A Very Puzzled CD

* * *

><p>Dear Jimmy,<p>

I am madly in love Xipe Totec, and you turning away from me with that sentence is the greatest thing to have ever happened to me. Now he and I can be together for all eternity like we were destined to. So, screw you.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Feline Totec

* * *

><p>Dear Shana Baby,<p>

WHAT?1?1?1? WTF? I was only kidding with that last letter! That's cos it's April Fools! How could you *bleep* lie to me? Why didn't you just *bleep* leave me then? I mean *bleep* for *bleep*'s sake Shana why the *bleep* didn't you just say it then? Why the *bleep* would you hurt me? Did you *bleep*ing thinkI was gonna *bleep*ing stand in the way? *Bleep* this! To think I *bleeping* loved you and gave my entire *bleeping* soul to you and only you. *waterfalls all over the letter

FUUUUUUUUUUU,

CD

* * *

><p>Dear Sweetheart,<p>

I was "bleep"ing kidding.

Married to an Idiot,

Feline


	17. Chapter 17

Dear Frank Cotton,

Are you my baby daddy? In that case, I say 'Come to daddy' much better than you. So up yours!

Never satisfied,

JP Munroe.


	18. Chapter 18

Dear Nikoletta,

I am madly in love with you.

Sincerely,

Chatterer

* * *

><p>Dear Chatterer,<p>

Here are the forms to the restraining order. Cooperate calmly and all will end well. Thanks. :3

Sincerely,

Nikoletta

* * *

><p>Dear Fanfiction,<p>

DAMMIT YOU GUYS SAID THIS WOULD WORK! IT ALWAYS DOES IN YOUR DAMN STORIES! |:(

Furiously Embarassed,

Chatterer


	19. Chapter 19

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

We do **NOT** sparkle! ! ! ! !

Sincerely,

The Cenobites


	20. Chapter 20

Dear Deluded Writers,

You know we are lead to believe now that you're not even trying on making us all correctly accurate. Ahem, so we are NOT the following;

1. We are not wizards with naturally born magical powers that posess any sort of scar that is lightening bolt shaped, have a noseless enemy, or a particular teacher that was highly in love with any of our mothers. Nor were we educated in a magical school in Scotland.

2. How many times do we need to tell you that we are NOT vampires? ! Possibly in your eyes you may consider something of the supernatural, but we do not have fangs or actually DRINK the blood of those who open the box.

3. Wait...according to your century these vampires nowadays sparkle? ! Wha- what the hell? ! And they're all beautiful no matter what? In our days they were horrific icons! Has your century gone mad? ! Making them all soft? I don't believe this!

4. We are not randy booze adoring pirates that constantly act outrageous.

5. Wow, your reality shows certainly have gone on the edge in your century and- WAIT A SECOND. WHAT DO YOU MEAN CHATTERER HAS BEEN SELECTED TO PARTICIPATE IN THIS EVENT CALLED THE 'HUNGER GAMES'? ! ? !

6. Oh for Leviathan's sake...*grumbles* we are NOT a group of emo rockers either! ! !

Is it even necessary to continue? !

Get Your Facts Straight PLEASE,

The Cenobites

* * *

><p><em><strong>To anyone that's confused with #5- The Hunger Games selects one boy and one girl from each district between the ages of 12 to 18 to fight to the death. And since Chatterer's human form can't be older than 12...he's screwed. XD<strong>_


	21. Chapter 21

Dear Writers Who Write Girl/Girl Lemons,

Best. Stories. Ever.

Sincerely,

The Male Characters of Hellraiser


End file.
